


I Didn’t Say It Back

by OffTorii



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Episode: s15e18 Despair, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27446812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OffTorii/pseuds/OffTorii
Summary: Castiel was everything to him. And he couldn’t even say three simple words back before he was was gone forever.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 63





	I Didn’t Say It Back

“Goodbye, Dean.” Castiel shoves Dean out of harms way and in a fraction of a second, Dean’s heart is shattered. While Cas was giving his speech; Dean had so much he had to process. The most important revelation being that Cas loved him.

 _His_ Cas. 

The monotone angel of Thursday was in love with the broken human Dean Winchester.

Of course, Cas didn’t think he was broken. “You're not. And everybody who knows you, sees it.” Castiel’s quivering voice rung in Dean’s ears like church bells. He couldn't see what Cas saw in him or anybody else for that matter. Everyone that ever gave a damn about the eldest Winchester were wrong━at least that's how Dean felt. 

And man did that feeling hurt even more now. 

As the empty took Cas and Billie away, Dean could only stare at the scene in disbelief. He could physically feel an aching pain in his chest that he never experienced and never wanted to feel again. The tears seemed never-ending as Dean stared at the space in the room where Cas stood mere seconds ago when Billie walked into the room soon after and was taken away with Cas, but it was as if none of that mattered. The end of the world could be put on hold for five minutes. 

Dean didn't know how long he sat with sobbing into his hands but he did know he heard his phone ring at least five times. On the sixth ring, he decided to answer his brothers calls since he knew how worried Sam could get. Especially under dire circumstances like the end of the world as they know it. 

"Dean? Oh thank go- never mind. Where the hell have you been? I've been calling" The concern in his little brother's voice was refreshing, anything to drown out the deafening silence. 

"I'm fine Sammy" He tried to put on the most convincing voice he possibly could. 

"I don't believe you. Dean things got bad on our end, like really bad. Bobby, Charlie, even Donna, and everyone else from apocalypse world are gone" 

"What do you mean gone?"

"I mean gone. Vanished into thin air, right in front of us." Dean could hear the worry in Sam's voice. With the end nigh, they were more of a throwing-things-at-the-wall-and-see-what-stuck attitude.

"And where's Cas? I tried calling his phone but no answer. Thought you were planing on handling Billie" Just hearing his name in conversation tore Dean's heart up ten times over. 

"Can you and Jack just come home please?" Dean rubbed his puffy red eyes trying not to let his voice crack. 

"Yeah sure but what about?-" 

"Just come home Sammy." Before Sam could get another word in, Dean hung up not wanting to break his semi-confident demeanor over the phone. 

\--

Dean didn't bother to move from the bunker storage when he heard Sam and Jack call his name over and over. He was too busy replaying Cas' speech in his brain like a tape. Wondering if he did things differently, if he'd just said **it** , then that aching feeling in his chest would go away.

"I found him Sam!" Jack yelled as he entered the room only to be met with a sulking Dean. Sam trailed in slowly after with the same worried expression that Jack had, but it was like Dean didn't see them. 

"Dean? What happened? Where's Cas?" Sam crouched down to Dean's level but Dean still stared at the blank wall in front of him.

"He's gone" Was all Dean could respond with, the news still fresh for him saying it aloud just hurt too much. Jack looked away to he side before speaking up, "the deal?" Jack sniffled out as his eyes began to turn red with tears. Dean nodded acknowledging him.

"What deal?" 

"Cas made a deal with the empty to save my life once, the empty said once he was happy that's when it'd take him away..forever" Sam couldn't help but to be brought to tears, after all, Cas was family and to lose him so sudden was devastating. Just when they needed everyone in their corner that could get.. everything was failing apart. 

“I’m so stupid” Dean said beginning to break down again. He finally found the need to stand up making Sam raise up with him. 

“Dean what’re you talking ab-“ Jack tried to interrupted but to no avail. 

“Why didn’t I say it?” Dean was beginning to pace back and forth while Sam and Jack stood there stunned. 

“All I had to do was say it!” Dean was becoming hysterical, his breathing started to get uneven and his tears were flowing like an ocean.

Sam grabbed Dean by his forearms to stop the irrational pacing. 

“Dean talk to me I’m right here” Sam tried to console the best way he knew how. 

“He told me he loved me!” Dean was still breathing erratically but he needed to get it out. “Wait he loved you like family or-“

“No! In love with me!” Dean continued to ramble while Sam held him still, ready for his big brother to fall a part. Jack and Sam always felt there was something more between the angel and Dean, especially Sam. He saw the connection for the longest. It’s sad that it was only acknowledged when one of them was dying. 

Sam noticed the handprint on Dean’s jacket and seeing the tragic symbolism. 

“Why didn’t I say it back Sammy?! Why didn’t I-“ Dean was cut off by a choking sob he was trying to hold back during his rambling but he just couldn’t do it anymore. Dean fell into his little brothers chest finally letting go. Dean was never one to cry, let alone sob, but losing Cas was different. It opened up a new kind pain with new—overwhelming— emotions.

“Shhh it’s alright Dean” Sam just held Dean and let him get that initial pain out of his system. Jack just stood behind them in silence not knowing what to do or say and still processing the grief of losing someone that was a father to him.

And that’s how the three of them stayed. Stuck and grieving. 

Chuck could wait just one more day.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to show a softer side of Dean we rarely see. This episode destroyed me. I don’t even know how to deal with the fact that Cas is gone forever.. like what?!. At least Destiel was made cannon which is also mind blowing and I’m so excited to see how they handle these last few episodes. 
> 
> P. S : Thank you Misha, for blessing us with a character like Castiel. You did an amazing job with this character and making me love him more as the seasons went on. 
> 
> Bye Cas! You’ll be missed. -Sincerely Tori


End file.
